Post Wherein I Spoil-*ahem*- REVIEW a Popular Violent Movie

Yeah. I went to see “Inglorious Basterds” tonight.

The quick synopsis (and spoiler): Uber-masculine Jewish Killing Machines torture and maime Nazis with the gusto of, well, Nazis under the leadership of an equally uber-masculine Bradpitt portrayal of John Wayne on crystal meth doing the absolute worst fake Tennessee accent you ever heard in your life; a young Jewish woman escapes slaughter by the eeevil Nazi Colonel to open a movie theater in Paris which turns out to be hand-picked by Goebbels to showcase his movie makin’ brilliance; beautifully shot scenes of uber-ultraviolence, flames flames, scalping, blood, crazy stereotyping, more flames, people getting shot all over the place, and Hitler and Goebbels get blown up in their theater box at the end of the film. Oh yeah. And the EEEEvil Nazi colonel gets a swastika carved into his forehead. It’s kinda like a turd cherry on a puke sundae.

And of course, due to the high-aahhht and high-falutin’ nature of Quentin Tarantino’s stylish movie makin skillz, it’s all gorgeously filmed like a fucking hipster-twit masturbation-fantasy snuff film/graphic novel. Even with all the good acting and the cleverness and ultra-uber-super-duper violence involved, the film ends up being utterly unoriginal and well. Just plain shitty. It’s like what you would envision if QT did a cinematic rendering of Homer Simpson’s website mashed up with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

And I don’t know what point T’s trying to make here. Are you trying to get us to empathize with the Nazis, Quenny-poo? Are you going to assume that (and here I have to give mad props to my partner, who I will now pretty much quote verbatim) since these blood-crazed killers of your imagination are theoretical American Citizens, and I happen to be an American Citizen, through no fault of my own, that I am going to empathize with them?

My guess would be that were Mr. T to answer the question, it would be something awesomely abstract that made no sense in any reality but his own I just “wouldn’t get” because it’s all artsy and shit and edgy and it’s supposed to “shake people up, man.” God damn. Who gave the movie-gun to the baby?

And the women in the movie are treated, of course, to extra-special uberviolent and bloody deaths. But that’s just you know, mandatory for mass-media. So maybe it ain’t even worth pointing out.

Here’s the thing. There is enough violence going on for realz out there to shake people up sufficiently. Being able to put together a breathtakinglyfilmed slaughterfest doesn’t point to any great artistic ability. People don’t like to see violence. This thing called evolution taught us that it ain’t good to see other people get hurt, and our minds and bodies react to it with stress and depression. Shaking someone up is pretty damn easy. It’s getting people to actually think about stuff that takes some skill. And this movie fails at that in a very grandiose way. There is so much jarring violence happening that you don’t really have time to notice those clever, pithy, cinematic nuances.

So once again, another one-trick pony movie marvel bores and traumatizes the masses. Don’t waste your money on this movie. If you must see it, find a way to do it for free.

G’night, people.

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